Little Trick to Keep You On Your Toes

HA HA HA HA HA JOKE ON MELISSA!

So, I think the pic says it all! You've been tricked!

The Best Survey You'll Ever Read

As a precursor, let me just say that I don't normally do surveys, but it is 2am and no one is up to talk to and I cannot go to sleep for some odd reason. So here goes:

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:00. Normally I don't "get up" i kinda just roll, but today I was actually somewhat energetic.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Dimaonds cuz their a girls best friend

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Some really, um, R - rated videos with Amanda in which we downed waaaaaay to much diet coke. I dare say we have learned our lesson: )

4. Who do you miss the most right now? My fam. But I see them monday :-D

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Fruit smootie every morning....so delicious. in my fabulous bullet blender

6. What is your middle name? Leanne - bonus points to those who remember why.

7. What food do you dislike? I don't really eat too much pasta, and unlike your typical college students, I don't normally eat mac and cheese unless im STARVING

8. What is your favorite CD? right now- Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood

9. What kind of car do you drive? Pontiac Grand Am

10. Favorite sandwich? Depends where you are eating. I always get Turkey Artichoke Panini at Panera's but I could TOTALLY go for a Reuben right now. Does anyone know where they make a really good Reuben sandwich?

11. What characteristic do you despise? People that don't show up when they say they will. among other stupid traits like lying, laziness, and people that talk about you behind your back.

12. Favorite items of clothing? ha ha i was gonna put MOON BOOTS. but they aren't really. i'd have to say that right now im pretty comfortable in a pair of guys army sweats.. lol

13. If you could go anywhere in the world? Mexico but lately i've also been thinking Spain

14. Where would you retire to? North Carolina or Florida

15. What was your most recent memorable birthday? umm, they all have been pretty blase... cept the little kid parties....

19. Morning or evening night person? i like staying up late and sleeping in late. of course since im in college i stay up late and get up early haha

20. What is your shoe size? 8-9 depending on the brand

21. Pets? Nope. No pets. Actually, I've recently come to the conclusion that I just about hate animals unless I know them very well, and even then i have to wash my hands after i gingerly pet them. However, I know how people can get attached to their animals so I often will give a "courtesy" pet, but usually I am quietly heaving with revulsion inside (kinda like a cat heaving up a hair ball). Sick. I know. 

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Lets see... shall i fabricate something for you?

23. What did you want to be when you were little? A teacher. I used to play teacher with my siblings on our green board. I loved sending them to the principals office and hitting them with my super long ruler (Of course child abuse laws were not in affect!)

25. What is your favorite flower? Roses and Sunflowers

26. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The last day of school... and i mean the VERY last day. YOu know, like GRADUATED from COLLEGE NEVER TO GO BACK!

27. What are you listening to right now? The sound of my ticking clock ticking off the seconds, minutes, and hours that I should be spending in bed.

29. Do you wish on stars? No. Thats stupid.

30. If you were a crayon, what color would it be? I always hated Burnt Sienna but loved the name. its kinda ... hate to say it... poop colored. ugly.

31. How is the weather right now? Its cold out now :(

32. The last person you spoke to on the phone? Dianne 

33. Favorite soft drink? im boycotting soft drinks on the grounds that a lot of them have the same ingredients as toilet cleaner

34. Favorite restaurant? currently panera

35. Hair color? outgrown dyed

36. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies and all their equipment

37. Summer or winter? Spring and fall.. the most mild temps.

38. Chocolate or Vanilla? i never have a craving for either and i can't remember the last time i had them.

39. Coffee or tea? im more of a juice person, but i do like a frappe from mcdonalds or a caramel latte from star bucks

40. Do you want your friends to email you back? feel free to repost this.

41. What is your favorite dessert? Pie: blueberry- Cake: strawberry cheesecake- Icecream: moosetracks .... others vary

42. What is under your bed? a bin of clothes

43. What did you do last night? worked. and went home.

44. What are you afraid of? making a fool of myself. never finding a godly man to marry. etc.

45. Salty or sweet? usually salty.

46. How many keys on your key ring? three

47. How many years at your current job? just about six months.

48. Do you make friends easily? Depends if i feel like being friendly.

49. How many people will you send this to? nobody.

50. How many will respond? stupid question.

51. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? It was a fairly interesting waste of time  : )

Unique Cell Phone Holders

A time tested method of ruining cell phones, but still employed by many...

How amazing would this look with a pair of leggings and a short skirt?

Hm.... Desperate?

If it isn't apparent how convenient this cell phone holder is... then you are a lost cause...And last but certainly not least... 
(my personal favorite!)

In comparison, isn't it just easier to use your God given shelf?

The Shelf

It all started one day

In a land far away

Avoca or Bath as they may call it

A house nestled by a creek

There lived a young lady 

With a family of many

Her figure bearing a chest aplenty

And on such a day as she was told

Carry these things to the basement below

She looked at her hands (there were only but two!)

Loading her arms with care

Balancing packages by the hair!

She made use of those monstrous beasts

Chin to package, package to bosom!

She faired well 'til she came to th' step

That many a time befall, even those daintyest 

Despite that little mistep of misfortune

Her buxom faired her well

And on that day God blessed the shelf!

Ever after it twas used 

As rest for countless burdens

Most oft' newest technology cradled there

When rest and recline could afford

Many a person (*cough* Amanda) made notice

Of the useful shelf!

Can You Take the Strong Drink?

SO I am sitting in DD and using the free wifi. It is interesting because I have become a frequent visitor ever since I learned that they had this useful commodity. It is a smart move on their part,  because they have coerced me to buy many iced coffees and coolatas in an effort not to feel awkward for sitting there and not buying anything. This is stupid. I should not have to feel obligated to buy something just because I am there. However, it is the only place in Whorenell that has readily accessible wifi. It is also air-conditioned; a useful thing in these hot months. The bathrooms are usually neat and tidy, and have a pleasant albeit over-powering air freshner that embraces you while you sit. The soap is dispensed in a delighfully foamy manner that makes it effortless to wash soiled hands. The floor is so clean you can eat on it, although why you would want to I don't know. For your convenience, a little plastic high chair sits in the corner; stupid teens like to see if they can cram their big butts into it. They have, in recent years, increased their line of merchandise to some rather expensive but tasty morsels, such as the southwest chicken flatbread sandwich. This is all hearsay of course because I try not to spend over three dollars when I visit. When I finally settle in to peruse some sites, it is not uncommon for the system to decide that it wants to be fickle and not let me on for fifteen minutes. Then I sit and laugh when it finally does, because other patrons come in and ask if my internet is working. Stupid fools! The employees carry about their business with mindless chatter about nothing, and it is very interesting to make conjecture about their lifestyles.

 

Conjecture# 1 

This girl (or is it guy?) wears the typical brown shirt and tan hat of a DD employee. Because the shirt is so baggy and her hair is shaved, it is hard to determine her gender, but guessing from her slightly higher tone of voice I assume female. She usually gives me a long hard stare when I come in, and I would have to say that they probably talk about the girl that comes in every day that has no life. Does she not have a job? 

Needless to say she is probably a dike.

Conjecture#2

Today when I came in there were a couple of girls with yellow shirts with brown stripes down the side... probably trainees. Thus, not very interesting.

At this time, I would like to say that I am not in the mood for more imaginative mind games, but I will tell you one disturbing and slightly disconcerting incident.

I was going about my usual business of getting on the internet, waiting, refreshing, waiting, refreshing. When all of the sudden I saw it. It was so disproportionate and ungainly that I could not help but stare.... Why? It was obstructing my view of coffee, food, employees... everything! Did they not train the new girls right? It was so annoying that I just sat there staring at it. Psssssh... it was, at best, hazardous. The tv mumbled on. But I did not here it.  Goose bumps ran down my spine; the cause I do not know (probably the ac, ha!). Ah, that wicked thing, trying to make me leave. I will not leave now, chillmaster! It never did like me, as many don't at first. But it will grow on me like moss.. or the taste of bitter coffee to a young teenager trying desperately to be an adult. Its a curious thing really. Many people cannot see past their first impression. They do not like to try new things! Who ever heard of a coffee combo? Let's go to Mcdonalds across the street - they are the ones that sell the meals. Get the coffee at the coffee shop and the burger at the burger joint! Wait... did I ever tell you about the sugar packetts or the brown-coloured napkins? What about the straws? 

The chillmaster is getting the best of me! Why!? 

I can't do anything right!

I can't be the real thing anymore!

Why can't they accept me?!

Am I to strong for them?

My fingers are growing sluggish with chilled blood!

A slow death of my typing ways...

It's sad really.

In Bed With Amanda

Three D's and a C... Ok that is a topic that DOESN'T need discussing. Don't ask, but if you HAVE to know use your imagination.

Interviewer: So how long have the two of you been sleeping together?

(AL) I have been sleeping with Amanda on various occasions for the past four years, and it always proves interesting.

(AM) Well let's see, it all started in the halls of Elim where sleeping together was in fact prohibited, but we managed to sneek in a few nights together.

Interviewer: wow, sounds scandalous... How did your RA's react to this?

(AL) Elim days were only the start of this tawdry affair, but they never caught on!

(AM) This is a family blog so we will just discuss the logistics of having to sleep with another person.

Interviewer: So, does it take a while to get used to sleeping together?

(AM) I have always been a snuggler, but it depends on the person and what they are comfortable with.

(AL) I would say yes, just because generally I have to get used to sleeping in a different bed much less a different person.

(AM) Long about the time Al got used to sleeping with me, I reverted back to preferring to sleep alone, mostly because I got so sick of trying not to touch her it became more work than it was worth.

(AL) Which brings me to another point, I cannot fall asleep if someone is touching me. Anywhere.  I have to have complete solitude or I will not sleep well.

Interviewer: Well that concludes this interview and the history of your life in bed. To be continiued..... 

This Day

This day, I wanted to run out of the room; but afraid of looking and feeling like a freak, I stayed.

The poetry syllabus for the last half of the semester was a compilation of student selected literary works.

The poem is read by the student, and then dissected piece by piece into manageable sections by content, literary devices, and context – not necessarily in that order.

My experience as a reader has taught me that poems have the ability to inspire and resonate within a person, strangely like lyrics to a song or a sad movie.

 

As I sat there, I became ever so increasingly agitated. My hands were shaking, and I my face was igniting from my throat up. He just kept talking, talking on and on in that peculiar, odd way of his that classmates snickered at. His thorough analyzing of the metaphors is what got me. Finally, he finished. The last section of the poem is positive he says. He references the sun shining and the new grass.

 

Does anyone else have anything to add? Loud spoken girl that has answered every question all semester, never having an accurate interpretation: “It could be construed as imagery alluding to birth and the birthing process.” She proceeds to ramble like an idiot, sucking up to the professor for a grade.

 

I had had enough.

“No, it’s not. It is not positive, and it is not talking about birth.”

Everyone is taken aback at my blunt statement of contradiction.

“My brother drowned in a ravine two years ago, and when the author is talking about the sun shining and the grass growing, it is because it indicates that time moves just as nature and the seasons. The dream sails in the next stanza represent all the dreams that a mother has for her children, of succeeding, living life to the full, and having enjoyment in her children’s children; they all collapsed at that moment. In no way is this positive.” I did not bother to addresses the others ridiculous statements.

 

The professor tried to salvage the moment by saying that birth and death are cyclical and some other babble that was lost on me.

 

 

 

 

DEATH OF A YOUNG SON BY DROWNING

 

He, who navigated with success

the dangerous river of his own birth

once more set forth

 

on a voyage of discovery

into the land I floated on

but could not touch to claim.

 

His feet slid on the bank,

the currents took him;

he swirled with ice and trees in the swollen water

 

and plunged into distant regions,

his head a bathysphere;

through his eyes' thin glass bubbles

 

he looked out, reckless adventurer

on a landscape stranger than Uranus

we have all been to and some remember.

 

There was an accident; the air locked,

he was hung in the river like a heart.

They retrieved the swamped body,

 

cairn of my plans and future charts,

with poles and hooks

from among the nudging logs.

 

It was spring, the sun kept shining, the new grass

leapt to solidity;

my hands glistened with details.

 

After the long trip I was tired of waves.

My foot hit rock. The dreamed sails

collapsed, ragged.

 

                 I planted him in this country

                 like a flag.

 By Margaret Atwood

                                          WAZ UP GUYS?

So, as I was on the phone with Amanda tonight, I was looking at pictures in this program that I have not used in a while. It amuses me how many ridiculous pictures that I have, and most of them need to be deleted. Out of the archives, I rescued this ancient relic. This picture corresponds with our conversation and the previous post.  Its the go get em attitude that is lacking for girls that are at the end of the line (old maids). Why is it that their are so many sweet, loveable, but more importantly available girls are not being snatched up by the swooning knight in shining armor? Obviously in my case it's not for lack of attitude. The face don't lie.  In order to help such unfortunate girls - - Amanda and myself - - I researched how to avoid such a sad plight. Here are some tips that will hopefully aid the search for a mate and life-long happiness:

1. Find someone you like. Make contact. Start a conversation.
2. Talk about yourself, and encourage them to talk about themselves.
3. When they say something impressive, begin expressing romantic interest.
4. On a date don't act like you are in kindergarten. Make eye contact and compliment him or her. Be nice. Act like the world was made for you two.
5. Be friendly! If you're mean, they will lose interest in you.
6. Give the person some space - nobody likes a stalker --cough cough
7. When starting a conversation, have something in mind that you want to talk about - ice breakers like "Hey what's up?" or "What are you drinking" are big losers. 
8. Don't swear, pick your nose, spit, or engage in other obnoxious behaviors. Crude behavior may eventually be tolerated by your date, but it will never be appreciated.
9.  You may wish to ask a friend to help out if you are a nervous.
10. Repeat steps 1-9 with the next person!                                                          

Things You'll Need

Ice breakers or mints (garlic breath can be noxious)

Money (optional, that's what's great about bein a girl!)

proper clothes 

     Me after the depressing news of being single for the rest of my life.... 

                                                   amanda has ingenius ideas: this is one of them.

It is late at night.

And I have already slept.

One word comes to mind... 

A very annoying word.

One that can be used in a variety of ways,

But does not actually mean ANYTHING.

Literally.

I looked it up.

But wait!

Dictionary.com has failed me.

A translation has been found.

This is extremely exciting.

It means:

Mediocre

Lackluster

Unexceptional

Indifferent

Uninspiring

Unenthusiastic 

Apathetic. 

The word?

MEH.

Perhaps what is most interesting, 

Is not what it means but how it is said.

Example:

"What do you want to do this weekend?"  - Meh. I don't really care."

Or

"Did you hear about the chinchilla at small group tonight?" - "Meh. who didn't..."

Or (my personal favorite)

"Hey, wanna go pwn some noobs?" - "Meh."

Conclusion:

Use appropriately 

Avoid over-usage (yeah, you know who you are!)

Find the most interesting way to sneakily insert your verbage!

Caution: some of these words were stolen from another site, read with care.

Late Night Babysitting

wHaT iS gOiNg On?!?

Mode of Transportation: New Honda Civic
Economic Bio of Country Dwellers: Upper Middle Class
Status of Children: Smart and Reading (5 yrs old) Losing teeth (7 yrs old) and ALL-night whiner (3 yrs old)
Surround Sound Speakers: LAME

Organic Wegmans Pantry Raid:
   Peanuts
   Pear
   String Cheese!
   Dried: PEAS
   Hot cocoa - Tsp. cocoa and sugar - puke
Apple: um... no we didn't eat apples.. My AMAZING wifi connection : )  - thus, this blog.

Furniture:
   1st Hour: Decent
   2nd Hour: Uncomfortable
   "Hello Children"

   3rd Hour: Squirming repeatedly
   4rth Hour: Back Breaking

Movie: Starring Micheal W. Smith (actor? who knew?) 

Made Me CRY, well not really cuz then I woulda been embarrassed that tears were streaming down my face and Amanda woulda felt awkward and tried to discreetly glance over out of the corner of her eye and felt all uncomfortable (and i'm not talking about the couch here) then... who KNOWS what would happen?!

Prediction For Concluding Events:

Finish movie

Try to be comfortable on evil couches

Amuse each other with a) conversation b)poking each other or c) more uncomfortable shifting

Wait for talk-a-tive parents

Talk to aforementioned persons

... and listen 

...and listen

...and listen

to the late night owls

THE END

All About Melissa

This Blog is specifically for Melissa telling her what an awesome person she is, how she is such a good friend, and exactly how much she means to me as a person. AND as a footnote, to ask her in a subtle way why she does not have me on her "my friends blogs" list. (I believe in the three point thesis)

1.) Melissa is a very awesome person, she does a lot of cool stuff. Works at a pretty nice job, tells rather humorous anecdotes, and is quite attractive (or at least Jim thinks so - I prefer men). Not only that but she also provides me with a decent amount of interesting things to talk about on my blog.

2.) Melissa is a friend. (I guess that's all I have to say about that)

3.) As a person, she means a lot.

Ok, now for the footnote which may not turn out to be all that subtle.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ME LISTED ON YOUR "MY FRIENDS BLOGS" LIST ?!!!

This has given me cause for much thought and concern as to her intentions for not allowing me to be on such an exclusive list. Does she think that I have so much time as to personally alert her via text every time that I blog? Or maybe she is WORSE than me in blogging and therefore is not aware as to anyone else's activity, or MAYBE she is embarrassed as to the nature of our conditonal friendship and does not wish for it to be made public.... Whatever the case may be, this is my personal petition (albeit a short one) that I, without too much conjecture, may be added to the list and carry out my intended place as co-blogger.

Conditional Friends

Intro To Second Blog: I couldn't think of anything to write about specifically, but I have a feeling that it may be about my conditional friend. If that topic doesn't work out, I may continue randomly or just end it abruptly.
Because my last blog received such an overwhelming response (and by overwhelming I mean that Amanda and my conditional friend Melissa commented repeatedly on my one and only blog) , I feel the need to continue the trend (at least one more time).
Being the college student that I am, I think it is time that we define some terms.

Conditional - Often called the "real" conditional because it is used for real - or possible - situations. These situations take place if a certain condition is met.
In the conditional, we often use unless which means 'if ... not'. (Internet based, some obscure site that may not know what they are talking about)

For example:
(If) IF Melissa does not come to group again, (not)she will be exiled.

However, this definition has a long detailed story of sacrifice, bravery, and heroic adventure. Here's how it happened:

Amanda and I had decided to go to Micheals to check out the picture frames that were on-sale. Turns out they were five dollars, so I went above and beyond the call of duty and called my mother to see if she would like one also. She did. Cart full, we were talking and making our way to the check out when suddenly I look past Amanda to see a frightening sight: Melissa standing in a conjoining aisle, eyes wide, index finger over her mouth. My initial thought was to ruin the surprise and alert Amanda to the possible danger. Instead, the demon on my right shoulder says that this is a potential situation for snickering and joyful glee, if played out right. Unbeknownst to either Melissa or I, Amanda has uncanny perception and sensed the imposing danger. Without batting an eye, she turned around and greeted her so-called friend. At this time, it became to clear to me that Melissa not only had malicious intent in attempting to scare amanda (thus making her wet herself) but that she needed to be threatened into submisson. Enter yours truly. Although initially I had played into her hand, I was not an innocent; I would not be fooled. "Come to group, or we are NOT friends!" Through careful conniving, I had managed to procure the accompaniment of the one and only Melissa, thereby maintaining that my watchful eye would never stray from her deceitful and trickerous path. By agreeing to these terms, Melissa unknowingly signed a contract of "conditional friendship" that IF she failed to subdue her wicked and dangerous tendencies, she would NOT be allowed to associate with either parties. Amanda was saved! At this time, I would like to say that they lived happily ever after but due to the nature of the contract.... we will never know.