Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Shelf

It all started one day
In a land far away

Avoca or Bath as they may call it
A house nestled by a creek

There lived a young lady 
With a family of many

Her figure bearing a chest aplenty
And on such a day as she was told

Carry these things to the basement below
She looked at her hands (there were only but two!)

Loading her arms with care
Balancing packages by the hair!

She made use of those monstrous beasts
Chin to package, package to bosom!

She faired well 'til she came to th' step
That many a time befall, even those daintyest 

Despite that little mistep of misfortune
Her buxom faired her well

And on that day God blessed the shelf!

Ever after it twas used 
As rest for countless burdens

Most oft' newest technology cradled there
When rest and recline could afford

Many a person (*cough* Amanda) made notice
Of the useful shelf!


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Can You Take the Strong Drink?

SO I am sitting in DD and using the free wifi. It is interesting because I have become a frequent visitor ever since I learned that they had this useful commodity. It is a smart move on their part,  because they have coerced me to buy many iced coffees and coolatas in an effort not to feel awkward for sitting there and not buying anything. This is stupid. I should not have to feel obligated to buy something just because I am there. However, it is the only place in Whorenell that has readily accessible wifi. It is also air-conditioned; a useful thing in these hot months. The bathrooms are usually neat and tidy, and have a pleasant albeit over-powering air freshner that embraces you while you sit. The soap is dispensed in a delighfully foamy manner that makes it effortless to wash soiled hands. The floor is so clean you can eat on it, although why you would want to I don't know. For your convenience, a little plastic high chair sits in the corner; stupid teens like to see if they can cram their big butts into it. They have, in recent years, increased their line of merchandise to some rather expensive but tasty morsels, such as the southwest chicken flatbread sandwich. This is all hearsay of course because I try not to spend over three dollars when I visit. When I finally settle in to peruse some sites, it is not uncommon for the system to decide that it wants to be fickle and not let me on for fifteen minutes. Then I sit and laugh when it finally does, because other patrons come in and ask if my internet is working. Stupid fools! The employees carry about their business with mindless chatter about nothing, and it is very interesting to make conjecture about their lifestyles.
 
Conjecture# 1 
This girl (or is it guy?) wears the typical brown shirt and tan hat of a DD employee. Because the shirt is so baggy and her hair is shaved, it is hard to determine her gender, but guessing from her slightly higher tone of voice I assume female. She usually gives me a long hard stare when I come in, and I would have to say that they probably talk about the girl that comes in every day that has no life. Does she not have a job? 

Needless to say she is probably a dike.

Conjecture#2
Today when I came in there were a couple of girls with yellow shirts with brown stripes down the side... probably trainees. Thus, not very interesting.

At this time, I would like to say that I am not in the mood for more imaginative mind games, but I will tell you one disturbing and slightly disconcerting incident.

I was going about my usual business of getting on the internet, waiting, refreshing, waiting, refreshing. When all of the sudden I saw it. It was so disproportionate and ungainly that I could not help but stare.... Why? It was obstructing my view of coffee, food, employees... everything! Did they not train the new girls right? It was so annoying that I just sat there staring at it. Psssssh... it was, at best, hazardous. The tv mumbled on. But I did not here it.  Goose bumps ran down my spine; the cause I do not know (probably the ac, ha!). Ah, that wicked thing, trying to make me leave. I will not leave now, chillmaster! It never did like me, as many don't at first. But it will grow on me like moss.. or the taste of bitter coffee to a young teenager trying desperately to be an adult. Its a curious thing really. Many people cannot see past their first impression. They do not like to try new things! Who ever heard of a coffee combo? Let's go to Mcdonalds across the street - they are the ones that sell the meals. Get the coffee at the coffee shop and the burger at the burger joint! Wait... did I ever tell you about the sugar packetts or the brown-coloured napkins? What about the straws? 

The chillmaster is getting the best of me! Why!? 
I can't do anything right!
I can't be the real thing anymore!
Why can't they accept me?!
Am I to strong for them?
My fingers are growing sluggish with chilled blood!
A slow death of my typing ways...

It's sad really.

Monday, May 26, 2008

In Bed With Amanda


Three D's and a C... Ok that is a topic that DOESN'T need discussing. Don't ask, but if you HAVE to know use your imagination.

Interviewer: So how long have the two of you been sleeping together?
(AL) I have been sleeping with Amanda on various occasions for the past four years, and it always proves interesting.

(AM) Well let's see, it all started in the halls of Elim where sleeping together was in fact prohibited, but we managed to sneek in a few nights together.

Interviewer: wow, sounds scandalous... How did your RA's react to this?

(AL) Elim days were only the start of this tawdry affair, but they never caught on!

(AM) This is a family blog so we will just discuss the logistics of having to sleep with another person.

Interviewer: So, does it take a while to get used to sleeping together?

(AM) I have always been a snuggler, but it depends on the person and what they are comfortable with.

(AL) I would say yes, just because generally I have to get used to sleeping in a different bed much less a different person.

(AM) Long about the time Al got used to sleeping with me, I reverted back to preferring to sleep alone, mostly because I got so sick of trying not to touch her it became more work than it was worth.

(AL) Which brings me to another point, I cannot fall asleep if someone is touching me. Anywhere.  I have to have complete solitude or I will not sleep well.

Interviewer: Well that concludes this interview and the history of your life in bed. To be continiued..... 

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

This Day

This day, I wanted to run out of the room; but afraid of looking and feeling like a freak, I stayed.

The poetry syllabus for the last half of the semester was a compilation of student selected literary works.

The poem is read by the student, and then dissected piece by piece into manageable sections by content, literary devices, and context – not necessarily in that order.

My experience as a reader has taught me that poems have the ability to inspire and resonate within a person, strangely like lyrics to a song or a sad movie.

 

As I sat there, I became ever so increasingly agitated. My hands were shaking, and I my face was igniting from my throat up. He just kept talking, talking on and on in that peculiar, odd way of his that classmates snickered at. His thorough analyzing of the metaphors is what got me. Finally, he finished. The last section of the poem is positive he says. He references the sun shining and the new grass.

 

Does anyone else have anything to add? Loud spoken girl that has answered every question all semester, never having an accurate interpretation: “It could be construed as imagery alluding to birth and the birthing process.” She proceeds to ramble like an idiot, sucking up to the professor for a grade.

 

I had had enough.

“No, it’s not. It is not positive, and it is not talking about birth.”

Everyone is taken aback at my blunt statement of contradiction.

“My brother drowned in a ravine two years ago, and when the author is talking about the sun shining and the grass growing, it is because it indicates that time moves just as nature and the seasons. The dream sails in the next stanza represent all the dreams that a mother has for her children, of succeeding, living life to the full, and having enjoyment in her children’s children; they all collapsed at that moment. In no way is this positive.” I did not bother to addresses the others ridiculous statements.

 

The professor tried to salvage the moment by saying that birth and death are cyclical and some other babble that was lost on me.

 

 

 

 

DEATH OF A YOUNG SON BY DROWNING

 

He, who navigated with success

the dangerous river of his own birth

once more set forth

 

on a voyage of discovery

into the land I floated on

but could not touch to claim.

 

His feet slid on the bank,

the currents took him;

he swirled with ice and trees in the swollen water

 

and plunged into distant regions,

his head a bathysphere;

through his eyes' thin glass bubbles

 

he looked out, reckless adventurer

on a landscape stranger than Uranus

we have all been to and some remember.

 

There was an accident; the air locked,

he was hung in the river like a heart.

They retrieved the swamped body,

 

cairn of my plans and future charts,

with poles and hooks

from among the nudging logs.

 

It was spring, the sun kept shining, the new grass

leapt to solidity;

my hands glistened with details.

 

After the long trip I was tired of waves.

My foot hit rock. The dreamed sails

collapsed, ragged.

 

                 I planted him in this country

                 like a flag.

 By Margaret Atwood

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

                                          WAZ UP GUYS?


So, as I was on the phone with Amanda tonight, I was looking at pictures in this program that I have not used in a while. It amuses me how many ridiculous pictures that I have, and most of them need to be deleted. Out of the archives, I rescued this ancient relic. This picture corresponds with our conversation and the previous post.  Its the go get em attitude that is lacking for girls that are at the end of the line (old maids). Why is it that their are so many sweet, loveable, but more importantly available girls are not being snatched up by the swooning knight in shining armor? Obviously in my case it's not for lack of attitude. The face don't lie.  In order to help such unfortunate girls - - Amanda and myself - - I researched how to avoid such a sad plight. Here are some tips that will hopefully aid the search for a mate and life-long happiness:

  1. Find someone you like. Make contact. Start a conversation.
  2. Talk about yourself, and encourage them to talk about themselves.
  3. When they say something impressive, begin expressing romantic interest.
  4. On a date don't act like you are in kindergarten. Make eye contact and compliment him or her. Be nice. Act like the world was made for you two.
  5. Be friendly! If you're mean, they will lose interest in you.
  6. Give the person some space - nobody likes a stalker --cough cough
  7. When starting a conversation, have something in mind that you want to talk about - ice breakers like "Hey what's up?" or "What are you drinking" are big losers. 
  8. Don't swear, pick your nose, spit, or engage in other obnoxious behaviors. Crude behavior may eventually be tolerated by your date, but it will never be appreciated.
  9.  You may wish to ask a friend to help out if you are a nervous.
  10. Repeat steps 1-9 with the next person!                                                          

Things You'll Need

Ice breakers or mints (garlic breath can be noxious)

Money (optional, that's what's great about bein a girl!)

proper clothes 




     Me after the depressing news of being single for the rest of my life.... 
                                                   amanda has ingenius ideas: this is one of them.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

It is late at night.
And I have already slept.
One word comes to mind... 
A very annoying word.
One that can be used in a variety of ways,
But does not actually mean ANYTHING.
Literally.
I looked it up.
But wait!
Dictionary.com has failed me.
A translation has been found.
This is extremely exciting.

It means:
Mediocre
Lackluster
Unexceptional
Indifferent
Uninspiring
Unenthusiastic 
Apathetic. 

The word?
MEH.
Perhaps what is most interesting, 
Is not what it means but how it is said.

Example:
"What do you want to do this weekend?"  - Meh. I don't really care."

Or
"Did you hear about the chinchilla at small group tonight?" - "Meh. who didn't..."

Or (my personal favorite)
"Hey, wanna go pwn some noobs?" - "Meh."

Conclusion:
Use appropriately 
Avoid over-usage (yeah, you know who you are!)
Find the most interesting way to sneakily insert your verbage!


Caution: some of these words were stolen from another site, read with care.